Basic Training

The year was nineteen eightyone. I had just joined the Army, to learn to be a man. I hadnt had any luck but I figured the bastion of manhood would succeed despite myself. We had been there for a few days already receiving our equipment and shots. There had been racial problems and the platoon was divided in half then joined together with another group of trainees.

They crowded us onto a bus and took us to where we would be trained. We strained to look out the windows, our large duffel bags on our laps obscuring our view. I could catch glimpses of trees and old wooden buildings as we drove by.

The bus lurched to a stop, and the doors creaked open. All of a sudden I could hear shouting, there was a loud commotion up front. I couldnt see a thing. I moved my duffel and looked down the aisle. An older, slim but stern face looked back at me with eyes that seemed one hundred years old and began threatening us. We were told to throw our duffelbags out the windows and to get off their bus in a slur of profanity. Bags went flying, bodies stumbled to get out of the bus as if it were on fire. People tripped and fell.

There were three of them, screaming different orders all at once, their olive drab uniforms neatly pressed and creased, smokybear hats perched forward on their heads. Their hands were clenched at their sides, faces red, screaming into a trainees face only to turn and scream at another for doing what the next Drill Sergeant had told them to do.

There was a big Italian kid, a gang member from the Bronx doubled over with a Drill Sergeant's fist buried in his stomach. They were screaming at him too. The terror factor was high.

We were told to grab a duffelbag, any duffelbag and form up on a pattern of footprints. Then screamed at for not having the duffelbag that actually belonged to us.

They filed us past a small folding wooden table they had set up next to the formation. We were to file past it and give them our name and social security number. I stood in line, dazed.

Then it was my turn at the little table, a man seated at it wearing one of the smokeybear hats. He looked up at me and asked "whats your name son?"

I stammered. Somehow I could not find the words. I had forgotten my own name.

"Oh, we got a bright one here" said one.

Another ran up to me and shoved his face into mine "Who did your mama go to bed with to get you in my God damned Army, maggot?"

I had no answer. Before I shipped a friends father had advised us to do what we were told one hundred and ten percent, work hard, and dont draw attention to ourselves. I had failed already. So much for being invisible.

Meditation

Newcomer Problems

The temptation is to become rather possessive of newcomers. Perhaps we try to give them advice about their affairs which we aren’t really competent to give or ought not give at all. Then we are hurt and confused when the advice is rejected, or when it is accepted and brings still greater confusion.
*** ***
“You cant make a horse drink water if he still prefers beer of is too crazy to know what he does want. Set a pail of water beside him, tell him how good it is and why, and leave him alone.”
“If people really want to get drunk, there is, so far as I know, no way of stopping this – so leave them alone and let them get drunk. But don’t exclude them from the water pail, either.”

~As Bill Sees It~

p 14

Dog

We were backdoor again that night. We were driving with no lights on using just night vision goggles. I was gunner, facing backward to prevent any cars from sneaking up on us.

We wear headphones with microphones. We can talk to each other the entire time. I peered into the darkness with the goggles, creating a green luminous world behind me. I looked at the night sky. Stars look amazing through night vision goggles.

“Dog!” the driver called out. It was standing in the middle of the road not moving. There are a lot of animals on the roads at night in the South. Donkeys, dogs, and foxes. Through the headphones I heard the TC say to hit him. It’s better to hit an animal than roll the truck, which is almost always fatal for the gunner.

“Don’t you dare” I heard myself saying. The truck instantly swerved hard towards the shoulder of the road, tires screeching. We were doing at least sixty miles an hour if not more. I felt the weight of the truck and how top heavy it is under its armor. A moment later it served back hard, almost out of control.

“Holy shit!” I heard somebody exclaim. We had come very close to rolling. I could see the dog disappearing behind us. It stood looking in our direction, turned and trotted off nonchalantly.

I was pissed. “You could have killed me” I yelled down into the cab. For that matter we could have all been killed. “I don’t want to die in Iraq over a fucking dog”

We laughed hysterically.

Song For The Day

Think About You - Guns N' Roses

(for my lovely wife)

Meditation

The Shared Gift

AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven’t been given the truth may die.

*** ***

Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill that immense trust which the Giver of perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 13

Thanksgiving

Today is the day of thanks and I have much to be grateful for.

I am grateful to be sober which has made all things possible for me. For that I now have a lovely wife and children. I have a relationship with my parents today. And I can be a friend. I live free of fear and can go anywhere in the world a free man.

I have been able to go to college and become a registered nurse after having been a homeless high school drop out. I have been able to rejoin the Army and make amends for my short comings the first time around.

I am grateful that I am inside the wire another holiday so that my family wont have to associate it with anything that happens to me.

Despite my questions, it is good to be alive-

Song For The Day

Dangerous Type - The Cars

Meditation

Seeking Fools Gold

Pride is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress. Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts. When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and a place in society becomes the primary object of our lives, then pride steps is to justify our excesses.

*** ***

I may attain “humility of today” only to the extent that I am able to avoid the bog of guilt and rebellion on one hand and, on the other hand, that fair but deceiving land which is strewn with the fools-gold coins or pride. This is how I can find and stay on the highroad to humility, which lies between these two extremes. Therefore, a constant inventory which can reveal when I am off the road is always in order.

~As Bill Sees It~

p 12

Song For the Day

Reminiscing - Little River Band

Meditation

Quantity or Quality

“About this slip business – I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal from a needless guilt. For some reason or another, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I guess you are treading one of them. God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That, you are surely doing. So I would not stay away from AA through any feeling of discouragement or shame. Its just the place you should be. Why don’t you try just as a member? You don’t have to carry the whole AA on your back, you know!”

“It is not always the quantity of good things that you do, it is also the quality that counts.”

Above all, take one day at a time.”

~As Bill Sees It~

p 11

A Quick One

"Did you get your boots?"
"Nope" I said.
"Follow me. "
"What" I responded cupping my ear.
"F-o-l-l-o-w ME!"
"Oh. Twenty years of loud bands, loud women and guns have taken their toll" I reply following behind him.
"Yeah, but what a way to go..."

Song for the Day

Duck and Run - Three Doors Down

Meditation

Out of the Dark

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive Gods help. Yet it is only a step. We will want to go further.

We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and to grow. But first of all we shall want sunlight; nothing much can grow in the dark. Meditation is our step out into the sun.

*** ***

“A clear light seems to fall upon us – when we open our eyes. Since our blindness is caused by our own defects, we must first deeply realize what they are. Constructive meditation is the first requirement for each new step in our spiritual growth.”

~As Bill Sees It~

p 10

LUST

There are those who do, lust to kill. They are usually the young.

I pity them. They seek the opportunity as often as possible to increase their chances.

They are not yet aware the price they will pay shortly, or some time in the future. I do belief it will come. It reminds me of the young man in Texas who legally shot a repossesion agent in his driveway. He committed suicide a year later.


I do not dwell on killing for I believe that anyone who picks up a weapon and carries it on the field of battle has made a choice if even coerced. Whether volunteer, conscript or forced each and every man (or woman) makes the decision to pick it up. Children are almost always the only exception and they present very difficult situations for us. I have personally not shot them when the rules of engagement clearly state I could have. That could change and is the one situation I truly worry about. There are others but children are for the most part at the top.

There is the hardworking soldier who seeks to prosecute the war and take the fight to the enemy. He or she is truly the vast majority. Yet there are those that wish to know, a bit too much I think.

I think they will rightly pay a great price...

Song for the Day

Thats the way of the world - Earth, Wind and Fire

Meditation

Group and World – Wide Community

The moment Twelfth Step work forms a group, a discovery is made – that most individuals cannot recover unless there is a group. Realization dawns on each member that he is but a small part of a great whole; that no personal sacrifice is too great for preservation of the Fellowship. He learns that clamor or desires and ambitions within him must be silenced whenever these could damage the group.

It becomes plain that the group must survive or the individual will not.

*** ***

“The lone member at sea, the AA at war in a far land – all these members know that they belong to AA’s world – wide community, that theirs is only a physical separation, that their fellows may be as near as the next port of call. Ever so importantly, they are certain that God’s grace is just as much with them on the high seas or the lonely outpost as it is with them at home.”

~As Bill Sees It~

Pp9

Meditation

A New Life

Is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? No, sobriety is only a bare beginning; it is only the first gift of the first awakening. If more gifts are to be recieved, our awakening has to go on. As it does go on, we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life - the one that did not work - for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever.

Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain and injury, regardless of sickness or health or even death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of AA's Twelve Steps.

~As Bill Sees It~

pp 8

Song for the Day

Im only happy when it rains - Garbage

Popular Gear

Redbull

Mountian Dew

Oakly

Wiley X

ESS

UnderArmor

Ipod

Thumbdrives

SureFire

Babywipes

Militec

Leatherman

Gerber

Laptops

Meditation

The Realm of the Spirit

In ancient times material progress was painfully slow. The spirit of modern scientific inquiry, research, and invention was almost unknown.

In the realm of the material, men’s minds were fettered by superstition, tradition, and all sorts of fixed ideas. Some of the contemporaries of Columbus thought a round earth preposterous. Others came near putting Galileo to death of his astronomical heresies.

Are not some of us Just as biased and unreasonable about the realm of the spirit as were the ancients about the realm of the material?

*** ***

We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe to all men.

~As Bill Sees It~

Pp7

Halt

I scan the shoulder of the road to the horizon for whatever. We have taken sporadic fire here before. Its hard to tell from where, and you'd think that there wouldnt be anywhere to hide in the desert. But there is.

We are stopped and from our turret I have a good view of the road ahead of us and behind. We have traffic halted in both directions. There arent any houses in sight for miles but the children are coming, running across the desert. I spin the turret towards the front as Iraqis drive in both directions on either side of the highway. I train our machinegun to fire upon any oncoming cars that might come speeding towards us, as they could be VBIEDs (pronounced "vee bed") or vehicle bourne improvised explosive devices.

She is appears at the side of our truck no older than ten we guess, a young baby balanced on her hip. She is wearing an orange dress and her hair flies in the hot wind, bare feet on the searing asphalt. She motions for something to eat and I offer her water. I am amazed when she does not accept. She points to the pens in my sleeve pocket and asks for one out loud in english. Lost for words I reach down and give her two. After accepting them she quickly turns and smartly walks off towards the trucks behind us. She works her way down the line, seeking specific items. We laugh as we see her berate a third country driver, shaking her finger at him.

I turn and squint at the cars, searching....

Song for the Day

Sweating Bullets - Megadeth

Meditation

All or Nothing?

Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride.

Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old time attitude of “all or nothing” will have to be abandoned.

~As Bill Sees It~

Pp6

Song for the Day

Thunder island - Jay ferguson

Meditation

Maintenance and Growth

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we are to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm (sudden rage) are not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.

(BB p66)

~As Bill Sees It~

Pp 5

Song for the Day

A Killer in Me -Smashing Pumkins

Meditation


Can We Choose?

We must never be blinded by the futile philosophy that we are just the hapless victims of our inheritance, or our life experience, and of our surroundings-that these are the sole forces that make our decisions for us. This is not the road to freedom. We have to believe that we can really choose.

*** ***

“As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.

“Yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice AA’s Twelve Steps.”

“In short, we chose to ‘become willing’ and no better choice did we ever make.”

~As Bill Sees It~

Pp4

Change


The outgoing unit is very different than ours. I have been living amongst them for about two weeks as our unit transitions in, and theirs out. In fact, I almost feel more a part of them than my own unit as I have been attached to my unit rather than having been apart of them all along. They are older, more experienced, and available.

The outgoing unit has a significant black population within it. My unit is almost homogeneously white. We are Midwestern, stoic, not akin to open displays of emotion. They are from the South, are loud, gregarious, colorful, and easily approached. In the two weeks I’ve lived among them I have developed more meaningful relationships than I have being with my unit for three months.

They are salty having been here a year. They have been all over the country and have seen many things and engagements. We are an Infantry unit, they are not. They exhibit the traits of a unit that has adapted from a support role to one of combat. They have a certain swagger and edge, combined with the humility that comes from having met the enemy.

Now that they are gone it seems eerily quite on base. The Bangladeshis and Indians that work here no longer have their hands pumped and backs slapped. They watch us expectantly. The few blacks still here look lost, and often sit by themselves, the plywood basketball court empty. It had been a central hub of activity every night. Games played on court, spectators, loud music, food, and gatherings at the same time off court.

The unit that provides security for this base had an established relationship with them. Complications had been ironed out. We are different, we and our command work to make the base ours. We are more aggressive and in the first six weeks two of our people will be killed while the outgoing unit lost none.

There is a new sheriff in town….

Song for the Day

Harvest Moon - Neil Young

Meditation

Pain and Progress

“Years ago I used to commiserate with all people who suffered. Now I commiserate only with those who suffer in ignorance, who do not fully understand the purpose and ultimate utility of pain.”

*** ***

Someone once remarked that pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress. How heartily we AA’s can agree with him, for we know that the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.

*** ***

“Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see.”

~As Bill Sees It~

Pp 3

Mission

I went on a nine hour mission today. No shots fired or recieved and overall very uneventful. We had to stop for about forty camels crossing the road.

They failed to tell me about the mission, and I didnt check trying to stay out of sight more or less. My bad. Last nite I ran two miles then worked out. Two hours after going to bed I was awakened and given the warning order.

It was a RedBull Breakfast.

240B LMG

Song for the day

The Crystal Ship - The Doors

Buehring

Many units that go to Iraq go through Camp Buehring I suppose. We did among many. We went there in charter buses which seemed weird. I had visions of being transported in old Army trucks like one sees in the movies. Many things have changed in the Army.

There were thick drapes covering the insides of the windows of the bus and we were told to keep them closed. I was given a magazine of ammunition as was the guy in the seat across the row from me. Then we were off. Out of Kuwait City we went on what was once the Highway of Death in Desert Storm. I peeked out the window and wondered if my younger brother had seen some of the very things I was seeing.

Camp Buehring is quite large. A wind swept outpost of activity in the middle of nowhere. It is a place to transition up North. The sand is like powder. The landscape reminded me of a cross between the California desert and what the moon must look like. It seemed so featureless that you imagined you could see the curvature of the earth.

They put us in large white plastic tents that held two platoons each. The floors were plywood. People were already there when we arrived, laying on cots, their gear strewn about, watching movies on laptops with headphones. They look up at us for a moment uninterested, then back to their movies. Apathetic.

There wasn’t much to do. I had hoped we would train, hopefully more meaningful training than we got during our MOB. That wasn’t to be. We did PT or physical training everyday, ate chow, and then slept. At least the other platoons slept. We were made to stay awake. DVD’s, magazines, and Star and Stripes were devoured in boredom. People watched each other to keep from falling asleep and getting in trouble. Finally there was a confrontation with the platoon leadership and a deal was struck. We could take naps at 1600 if PT went well, weapons were clean, and no one fell asleep beforehand. We were allowed to go around the base in pairs only. Lines were hours long to use the phones or internet, which might disconnect at any time. It took fifteen to twenty minutes to walk to chow. The inside temperature hovered in the nineties. There was a not so comical war over the position of the air conditioning vents.

The water for showers is stored in large plastic tanks outside the shower buildings which are just mobile trailers on concrete blocks. If you waited too late into the day the water would be scalding hot from being heated by the sun. Inside would be an” attendant” from India or Bangladesh. They would stare at us as we undressed. We learned that most of them are gay. Lovely

We were there for three weeks as the unit we were replacing began to rotate out. Finally we couldn’t stand it anymore and my unit left Buehring. We slept in the motor pool of our new base on our trucks, in the movie tent, bunkers, and any other nook we could find. We were effectively homeless, but we were finally running missions and participating in the war…

Meditation

When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in Gods hands were better than anything we could have planned.

*** ***

My depression deepened unbearably, and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the very bottom of the pit. For the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, “If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!”.

Suddenly the room lit up with a great white light. It seemed to me, in the minds eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world of consciousness. All about me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, “So this is the God of the preachers!”

~As Bill Sees It~

Arrival

I arrived in Iraq in mid August. The flight over took twentyone hours. Thankfully the plane wasnt full. There was about one hundred of us, and about the same of another unit that was going over at the same time. We picked them up in Maine. There was about three hundred seats available so must of us had a seat between us and the next indivual.

They played some movies, and many used their laptops. Magazines were shared, read and passed on. The aircrew were all foreign but spoke good english. The aircraft bore insignia of an Arab country. It was a civilian charter flight.

I'll never forget when the stewardess did her briefing, she added "..and those who will be storing weapons today should do so in the overhead compartments." It seemed surreal and was an indication that this was not a normal flight with a normal destination.

I tried to call my wife during a stop but the international operator could not understand me.

We arrived in Kuwait at 1430 hours. They opened the door as we all peered out of the windows. We were told to not take pictures. They called for the baggage detail which I had ended up on somehow and the lucky few stood up to be the first off the plane.

If I remember one thing about Iraq it will be the blast of hot air upon stepping out the door. It was 130 F and the wind was blowing hard. It didnt help. It was like standing in front of the open door of a preheated oven with about fifty hot blowdryers aimed at you. The first thing that occured to me was that it couldnt be possible to take this for a year.

They told me to guard the plane thank God. The rest debloused and began to unload luggage. I stood in the hot wind, my eyes burning. I shifted my hands on my weapon and was burned on both palms. I looked at the ground and spit. It sizzled and immediately disappeared. I realized I was dry because my sweat was evaporating instantly.

The civilian contractor supervising the unloading remarked how it was cooler than yesterday...

Song for the Day

Toxicity - System of the Down

Daily Meditation

It has been said of AA that we are interested only in alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by firsthand contact knows that no true alcoholic ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."

*** ***

We thought "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldnt do so to our entire satisfaction, our drinking went our of hand and we became alcoholics. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were.

~As Bill Sees It~

Daily Meditaion

As set forth by Rick H 1996

The fact is most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering or humiliation of a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

BB pp24

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have like to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God’s help.
This is the how and why of it. First of all we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the principal; we are his agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscience of His presence, we began to loose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: God, I offer myself to Thee- to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.

BB pp62-63

On awakening let us think about the twenty four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self pity, dishonest or self seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day be may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for awhile.
What used to be the hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscience contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves however, if others are helped. We are careful to never pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn’t work. You can easily see why.
If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination, which requires a definite morning devotion we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principals we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “They will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suite ourselves.
It works-it really does.
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.
But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” The next chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve.

BB pp86,87,88

Song for the Day

If you want my love - Cheap Trick

ING

Scrubbed

This is the second day of not being up North with my team. Doc, our medic wanted to go so he went instead of me. He has been asking for weeks. Our unit in their infinite wisdom does not let the medics ride along as fourth members.

Let me explain. In each gun truck there are three men, a driver, a gunner, and a truck commander also known as the TC. This is known as a team. Although my TC rides in his seat 95% of the time he does let me and the other guy do that job occasionaly too. Otherwise the other guy and myself switch between driving and gunning duties.

It would make sense that the medic went along as fourth man. If they are driving or gunning they cant leave that position to help others so it almost negates their position as a medic. A gunner or driver should never leave their post especially in a fight or other crisis.

So here I sit. On the one hand I feel strange and almost guilty for not being with them. I wonder if it is meant to be. What if they get into action and I dont get to be there with them? What if they get blown up?

On the other hand, I am enjoying some time away from them. Yesterday was the first day in four months that I had an entire day off and to myself. I learned how to download music to my new laptop. . I spent last night running around the platoon borrowing CDs to download, much to their amusement. The day before I had to help paint over graffiti in our latrine stalls. No big deal and I had the rest of the day off too.

I am on standby to go North with any other team that may need a driver or gunner. So I am packed and ready to go. Yesterday I cleaned out my locker and foot locker and completely reorganised them. I picked up my laundry. I repacked my grear and my weapons are clean waiting for me in the platoon conex. Got a haircut. I had a webcam conversation with my lovely wife and my visiting cousin. This morning I went shopping and picked up some necessaties.

I hope they will be alright-

D

War is Hell

or so they say...
It is also hours, days, and weeks of sheer boredom. "Hours and hours of sheer boredom, punctuated by moments of sheer terror" is how the quote goes. I have heard my Dad say it, and I have heard it from others. Now I know it first hand.

You would think being in an Infantry unit it would be quite otherwise. And our mission supposedly being one of the most dangerous jobs in Iraq. But it is boring, mind altering, bone numbing boredom. That is my experience anyway. My war.

There are the moments of fear, like being stuck in Bahgdad in the middle of the night, waiting for an IED to be cleared. A truck full of gunmen pulling up next to us, donning protective armor, machine guns, then trotting off into the night leaving their truck behind. People walking on roof tops carrying AK47's, glaring at us. Tracers flying through our column from the right flank with no known target to return fire. A huge blast from our left flank that was so strong it shifted my helmet on my head. We guessed it was an IED crew that blew themselves up. Good for them.

There are moments. We have fired upon vehicles that have tried to sneak up upon us in the darkness with their lights off. Returned fire off our flanks. We have lost people already to IEDs. Got lost in a town full of armed people, knowing all too well they could over run us.

Even being shelled by mortars is not quite what I expected. Yes there is damage. Yes people get hurt even killed. Mostly you find yourself bored, waiting for the all clear. And angry at the enemy.

But mostly it is repetition. Routine. Absurdity-

D

Daily Meditation

Courage and Prudence

When fear persisted, we knew it for what is was, and we bacame able to handle it. We began to see each adversity as a God-given opportunity to develope the kind of courage which is born of humility, rather than of bravado.

*** ***

Prudence is a workable middle ground, a channel of clear sailing between the obstacles of fear on the one side and of recklessness on the other. Prudence in practice creates a definite climate, the only climate in which harmony, effectiveness, and consistant spritual progress can be achieved.

*** ***

"Prudence is rational concern without worry."

~As Bill Sees It~

This place is for my family, friends and anyone else. It is about anything they and I wish to discuss. In my family there is one retired colonel, at least five healthcare professionals, a lay midwife, an engineer and others.

We represent a variety of political opinion ranging from the conservative right, the moderate middle ground, and the left. So, politics are open to dsicussion.

I also belong to the commnity of recovery. We represent a cross cut of society and ordinarily would not mix. A common peril and solution is the cement that binds us.

The military as been a part of my life since birth. My father was a professional officer and served in vietnam twice. My brother served in Desert Storm and Haiti. I am currently serving in Iraq in a National Guard Infantry Battalion so I will be writing about that too.

I ask friends and family to not use my name in print but the initial D instead. Family should also not use their names for reasons of privacy.

All discussion is open here. I will only censor posts that are outright offensive in nature or antiwar spam-

enjoy

D