Road Block

It is about 2300 hours and we are driving south. Our convoy has encountered mechanical difficulties and we are hours past our projected return time. At this point we have two trucks that might or might not make it home. We have our fingers crossed.

We are also somewhat agitated with this particular unit for their probable lack of preventive maintenance not to mention roadside repair skills. It has taken them over an hour to change a spare tire. Granted the tire weighs over one thousand pounds, but this procedure is something with which transportation units need to be skilled. Every minute spent on the roadside in the dark is one more minute for the enemy to rocket, mortar, or strafe us with machinegun fire.

Suddenly out of the darkness loom objects in the road. We are scout truck tonight, three or four hundred yards ahead of the convoy. We hit the brakes hard, simultaneously radioing back to the convoy commander to stop his formation. We are able to stop about seventy five yards from the obstruction. First we observe through the night vision goggles, then with our bright spotlight. Slowly we creep forward. There are fifty five gallon drums lying sideways and large boulders lined up across three lanes of highway. Carefully we scrutinize from our truck them for wires, explosives, or artillery rounds popularly used as IEDs.

There are little huts used as roadside stands on either side of the highway. We shine our light into these also, looking for artillery rounds. We search the shoulders of the roads for the garage door lasers currently used to trigger IEDs. We see nothing.

Clearly there is a purpose for this road block. Either it is a means of diverting us into an ambush, or it is being used to observe our response. There is another possibility. Perhaps we have come upon an ambush as it was being set up, and we have come across it before the enemy could finish. We can feel their eyes upon us. Someone, somewhere out there in the darkness is watching.

Our lieutenant in the rear truck suggests ramming through the barrier. We reject his idea. Perhaps he would like to get a speeding start and do it himself? Instead, we scan the other side of the road. Just before the barrier is an opening to the other side of the highway. It is painfully obvious we are wanted to cross here. It would be impossible to back up the entire convoy, and every moment we spend stopped leaves us exposed to ambush, another enemy use for barriers.

We scan the dirt in the median. It looks undisturbed. There are ways to conceal disturbed dirt that I wont discuss here, but recent rains make this very improbable. After scanning the other side of the road we decide to roll the dice and cross. We are on the other side.

We roll forward about one hundred yards. I am driving tonight and I search the road and huts, telling the gunner what to illuminate. The TC tonight is emailing our Battalion the GPS grid of the barrier including description and our actions. The transport unit behind us is rattled. They follow us anyway. We need to move or continue to expose our formation to ambush.

The rest of the way home the transport unit talks on the radio, spooked over the barrier. I theorize it is because this type of contact is more personal than the hidden indiscriminate IED. Those of us that are escorts remain silent. We have come to accept the risks we take as part of our job, and we are a combat unit. We would prefer to seek the enemy out and destroy him.

We have accepted that in war there is no sanitized, foolproof means to operate and eliminate risk, injury or death. It is a way of life for most of us now.

War is an ugly thing, but no the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personally safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself-

John Stuart Mill, In Fear

Meditation

Foundation for Life

We discover that we receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms.

*** ***

In praying, we ask simply that throughout the day God place in us the best understanding of His will that we can have for that day, and that we be given the grace by which we may carry it out.

*** ***

There is a direct linkage among self – examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 33

Meditation

Moral Responsibility

“Some strongly object to the AA position that alcoholism is an illness. This concept, they feel, removes moral responsibility from alcoholics. As any AA knows, this is far from true. We do not use the concept of sickness to absolve our members from responsibility. On the contrary, we use the fact of fatal illness to clamp the heaviest kind of moral obligation onto the sufferer, the obligation to use AAs Twelve Steps to get well.

“In the early days of his drinking, the alcoholic is often guilty of irresponsibility. But once the time of compulsive drinking has arrived, he cant very well be held fully accountable for is conduct. He then has an obsession that condemns him to drink, and a bodily sensitivity to alcohol that guarantees his final madness and death.

“But when he is made aware of this condition, he is under pressure to accept AAs program of moral regeneration.”

~As Bill Sees It~

P 32

Meditation

In God’s Economy

“In God’s economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is.”

*** ***

We did not always come closer to wisdom by reason or our virtues; our better understanding is often rooted in the pains of our former follies. Because this has been the essence of our individual experience, it is also the essence of our experience as a fellowship.

~As Bill Sees It~


P 31

Christmas Night

It was impossible to sleep. Most of us who were in camp had called family, maybe a few times.

The hours ticked by as the four of us sat by our bunks, the screens of our laptops glowing in the darkness.. Linkin Park played, along with the soundtracks of DVDs.

I ripped a Nat King Cole Christmas CD to my hard drive. He was a favorite of my paternal grandmother and we had listened to him every Christmas. I felt compelled to play it as not much else resembled Christmas here. I sensed this was one of those moments and if I let it pass I might regret it. As the sound of his songs filled the tent the others turned off their music or movies one by one. The rich smooth voice floated through the tent, songs from the past we all were familiar with.

We sat in the darkness, a family away from family, formed of a common experience…connected to our families back home by a voice from the past.

We finally went to sleep about 1000 this morning. We had no idea we would be sent on a mission within the hour…

Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events-

Sir Winston Churchill

Meditation

Getting Off a Dry Bender

“Sometimes, we become depressed. I ought to know; I have been a champion dry – bender case myself. While the surface causes were part of the picture – trigger – events that precipitated depression - the underlying causes, I am satisfied, ran much deeper.

“Intellectually, I could accept my situation. Emotionally, I could not.

“To these problems, there are certainly no pat answers. But part of the answer surely lies in the constant effort to practice all of AAs Twelve Steps.”

Movie For Today

Rudolph the Red - Nosed Reindeer

1964 Version

Song For The Day

The Christmas Song - Nat King Cole

Christmas Day

Today is Christmas. The rain has let up but the camp is still ankle deep in mud.

Last night I went out on a mission and got back just after daylight. We ran with a composite team of trucks from different platoons as so many of us are out on leave, pass, and some injured. We hardly every run with trucks in our own squad anymore. The guys we worked with last night do not run in blackout drive and got spooked when they couldnt see us since we do. Apparently they dont use their night vision goggles either.

I was able to get ahold of my lovely wife today on the phone. She is visiting my side of the family in my home state. I had saved the presents she sent, and opened them while on the phone with her. Thank God for modern technology. I was able to speak to two of my chilldren as well. I miss them so much.

Today I am grateful the Lord has blessed me so. I have family that loves me despite myself and the way I had lived so many years. I have children which was something I never wanted. I was far too selfish to be burdened with that. I have a lovely wife who loves me so much. Her side of the family has been generous to me.

I have been able to persue an education and career, all possible because of recovery. All possible because of God.

I am grateful today I can walk the world a free man free of fear.

Merry Christmas to all of you...

Meditation

Gratitude Should Go Forward

“Gratitude should go forward, rather than backward.

“In other words, if you carry the message to still others, you will be making the best possible repayment for the help given you.”

*** ***

No satisfaction has been deeper and no joy greater than in a Twelfth Step job well done. To watch the eyes of men and women open with wonder as they move from darkness into light, to see their lives quickly fill with new purpose and meaning, and above all to watch them awaken to the presence of a loving God in their lives – these things are the substance of what we receive as we carry AAs message.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 29

Should we bring all the troops home now?

It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it-

Robert E Lee

Christmas Eve

It is Christmas eve and it is raining. One of the kids on the other side of the tent is listening to Metallica. The lights are off accept for small bedside lamps so it is dark. My team is the only one here, the rest being up North. We were scrubbed from a mission to Mosul so it looks like I will spend Christmas day here.

Right now we are scheduled for a night mission but that could be scrubbed too. Everything is in the air these days and missions change from one hour to the next. This goes on twentyfour hours a day, awakened to be informed of a new mission time, only to be awakened again because it has changed. It is the surge, the seasonal rotation of units into and out of the country.

I have saved the presents my wife sent hoping to open them on Christmas and I look at them now in the bottom shelf of my locker. Sometimes I hold them, or smell them for a trace of her or home. I love her so much.

I can hardly wait to see them again...

Meditation

Troublemakers Can Be Teachers

Few of us are any longer afraid of what any newcomer can do to our AA reputation or effectiveness. Those who do slip, those who panhandle, those who scandalize, those with mental twists, those who rebel at the program, those who trade on the AA reputation – all such persons seldom harm an AA group for long.

Some of these have become our most respected and best loved. Some have remained to try our patience, sober nevertheless. Others have drifted away. We have begun to regard the troublesome ones not as menaces, but rather as our teachers. The oblige us to cultivate patience, tolerance, and humility. We finally see that they are the only people sicker than the rest of us, that we who condemn them are the Pharisees whose false righteousness does our group the deeper spiritual damage.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 28

If you are able,save them a place
inside of you
and save one backward glance
when you are leaving
for the places they can
no longer go.

Be not ashamed to say
you loved them,
though you may
or may not have always.
Take what they have left
and what they have taught you
with their dying
and keep it with your own.

And in that time
when men decide and feel safe
to call the war insane,
take one moment to embrace
those gentle heroes
you left behind.

Major Michael Davis O’Donnell
Dak To, Vietnam

13 August 1945 - 07 February 1970

Meditation

Daily Reprieve

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

*** ***

We of AA obey spiritual principles, at first because we must, then because we ought to, and ultimately because we love the kind of life such obedience brings. Great suffering and great love are AAs disciplinarians; we need no others.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 27

Meditation

True Independence of the Spirit

The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore, dependence as AA practices it is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit.

At the level of everyday living, it is startling to discover how dependent we really are, and how unconscious of that dependence. Every modern house has electric wiring carrying power and light to its interior. By accepting with delight our dependence upon this marvel of science, we find ourselves personally more dependent, more comfortable and secure. Power flows just where it is needed. Silently and surely, electricity, that strange energy so few people understand, meets our simplest daily needs.

Though we readily accept this principle of healthy dependence in many of our temporal affairs, we often fiercely resist the identical principle when asked to apply it as a means of growth in the life of the spirit. Clearly, we shall never know freedom under God until we try to seek His will for us. The choice is ours.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 26

Meditation

We Cannot Stand Still

In the first says of AA, I wasn’t much bothered about the areas of my life in which I was standing still. There was always the alibi: “After all,” I said to myself ,”Im much too busy with much more important matters.” That was my near perfect prescription for comfort and complacency.

*** ***

How many of us would presume to declare, “Well, Im sober and Im happy. What more can I want, or do? Im fine the way I am.” We know that the price of such self – satisfaction is an inevitable back – slide, punctuated at some point by a very rude awakening. We have to grow or else deteriorate. For us, the status quo can only be for today, never for tomorrow. Change we must; we cannot stand still.

Meditation

Alike When the Chips Are Down

In the beginning, it was four whole years before AA brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the “high bottoms,” the woman said they were different; AA couldn’t be for them. But as the communication was perfected, mostly by the women themselves, the picture changed.

This process of identification and transmission had gone on and on. The Skid – Row said he was different. Even more loudly, the socialite (or Park Avenue stumblebum) said the same – so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and Eskimos, the veterans, and the prisoners.

But nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down.

Elections

We are on the road and today Iraq elects its government. The roads are very quite and Iraqis seem suprised to see us. All of the usual road side stands are closed. The Iraqis take these elections seriously and participate with an excitment that I cannot help but admire.

Today we visited the Ziggeruat of Url, and amazing structure. It was built sometime around 2000 BC. Nearby we found an excavation that is rumored to have been lived in by Abraham. I am awed by the sense of history here, and run my hands across the fired brick walls wondering how many hands did the same, feeling akin to the craftsman that laid them thousands of years ago.

This can be such an amazing place. Everyone feels the excitment. A C 130 aircraft flies right over our heads its four large engines thundering. Iraqis everywhere wave and give us the victory sign.

Today I have witnessed history both old and new.

I cant help but think of my wife and children far away.

Song For The Day

Plateau - Meat Puppets (Nirvana)

Many a hand has scaled the grand old face of the plateau
Some belong to strangers and some to folks you know
Holy ghosts and talk show hosts are planted in the sand
To beautify the foothills and shake the many hands

There's nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop
And an illustrated book about birds
You see a lot up there but don't be scared
Who needs action when you got words

When you've finished with the mop then you can stop
And look at what you've done
The plateau's clean, no dirt to be seen
And the work it took was fun
Well the many hands began to scan around for the next plateau
Some said it was in Greenland and some in Mexico
Some decided it was nowhere except for where they stood
But they were all just guesses, wouldn't help you if they could

Standing

We slowly approach the intersection from the main supply route or MSR to the alternative supply route or ASR. It is no more than a single lane road going away from a highway, strewn with debris and large concrete objects that make excellent fighting positions for anyone who wants to ambush us. We approach in complete darkness, the main body of the convoy several hundred yards behind us with their lights off. Tonight we are the scout vehicle and stay far out front on point. We scan the intersection with night vision goggles, then turn on our lights bathing it in bright light and shadow. I am faced with a decision, one that each and every gunner has to make for his or herself. Each does it differently.


One of the skills they teach as basic soldiering is the three second rush. The idea is that it takes about three to four seconds for your enemy to see, aim, and then shoot you. In Infantry school while practicing this rush they made us shout out loud “Im up, he sees me, Im down!” This takes about three seconds. In training your punishment for taking longer is as evil as the imagination of the one conducting the training. In war it could mean death.

Gunning in a open turret presents a problem. We have armor plates around the back and both sides. There is a separate armor plate to the front that your machine gun sticks out of. These are to protect you from the blast and shrapnel of an IED, mortars, artillery, or small arms fire otherwise known as SAF.

The problem is if you sit down and stay behind the plates you are protected but cannot see if an enemy is rushing your vehicle to throw a grenade at you, or standing up to take a shot at you with a rocket propelled grenade. In the darkness trigger men for IED’s can sometimes be seen with the goggles. If this occurs you need to be in a position to turn and shoot him immediately. Hopefully the driver and truck commander below are scanning to help you. The main gun is powerful but takes too long to bring to bear on a close in target if you are not already facing that way. On the other hand, one can turn almost instantly with the small M4 and shoot. This is my preferred method

The stark reality is there are times where you have to expose yourself to enemy fire.

I stand up and immediately feel naked and vulnerable. My throat is dry and I can hear my pulse in my ears. I try to relax my grip on my weapon. I continue to scan with the night vision goggles as I do not like to use the million candle spot light. It focuses you too much on one spot. I duck up and down a bit as we drive through the intersection. We go underneath a bridge which I have already scanned from top to bottom. Something moves behind the large concrete obstacle to my left. My M4 moves to my shoulder instantly, having done it hundreds of times, sighting on the dark moving shadow. It’s a dog. I drop my muzzle a little as we continue on. We drive through and report we haven’t seen anything yet. That doesn’t mean nobody’s there. A disciplined trigger man will wait for the main body of the convoy to come through before detonating his charge, unless he picks a specific vehicle. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes it’s the front, sometimes it’s the back, other times it’s somewhere in the middle. Sometimes military, other times a civilian truck we are escorting. Maybe he wants to trap the entire convoy by hitting the front truck, or split it by hitting a truck in the middle. If he hits an escort he removes firepower. It also depends if there is to be a follow on attack or just hit and run.

The convoy passes through unscathed. Either nobody is there tonight or he is saving his shot for a target more to his liking.

Meditation

Worshipers All

We found that we had indeed been worshipers. What a state of mental goose flesh that used to bring on! Had we not variously worshiped people, sentiment, things, money, and ourselves?

And then, with a better motive, had we not worshipfully beheld the sunset, the sea, or a flower? Who of us had not loved something or somebody? Were not these things the tissue out of which our lives were constructed? Did not these feelings after all, determine the course of our existence?

It was impossible to say we had no capacity for faith, or love, or worship. In one form or another, we had been living by faith and little else.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 23

Song For The Day

My Dad's Gone Crazy - Eminem

Fun Shaped Charge Trivia

"Shaped charge is indeed an extraordinary phenomenon that is beyond the scale of normal physics, which explains why its fundamental theoretical mechanism is by no means fully understood.

The shaped charge jet tip reaches 10 kms-l some 40 µs after detonation, giving a cone tip acceleration of about 25 million g. At this acceleration the tip would reach the speed of light, were this possible, in around 1.5 seconds. But of course, it reaches a terminal velocity after only 40 millionths of a second. It is difficult to think of any other terrestrial event as fast as a shaped charge jet tip. The jet tail has a velocity of 2-5 kms-l and so the jet stretches out to a length of about 8 cone diameters (CDs) before particulation occurs. The stretching occurs at a high strain rate, requiring the cone material to have excellent dynamic ductility at temperatures up to about 450°C. On reaching a target, the pressure developed between the jet tip and the forming crater can be as high as 10 Mbar (10 million atmospheres), several times the highest pressure predicted in the Earth's core. "

Meditation

Fear as a Steppingstone

The chief activator of our defects has been self centered fear – primarily fear that we would loose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.

*** ***

For all its usual destructiveness, we have found that fear can be the starting point for better things. Fear can be a steppingstone to prudence and to a decent respect for others. It can point the path to justice, as well as hate. And the more we have of respect and justice, the more we shall begin to find the love which can suffer much, and yet be freely given. So fear need not always be destructive, because the lessons of its consequences can lead us to positive values.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 22

Song For The Day

Lake of Fire

Meat Puppets (Nirvana)

Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to a lake of fire and fry
wont see 'em again till the 4th of July

I knew a lady who came from Duluth
Got bit by a dog with a rabid tooth
She went to her grave just a little too soon
flew and laid down on the yellow moon

Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to a lake of fire and fry
wont see 'em again till the 4th of July

people cry and people moan
look for a dry place to call their home
try to find some place to rest their bones
While the angels and the devils
Try to make 'em their own

Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to a lake of fire and fry
wont see 'em again till the 4th of July

Of Donkeys, Men, and Children

There are donkeys all over Iraq. They roam all over the land and seem free for the taking. They are small, standing no more than three and a half feet at the withers. Mostly they are grey with a vertical black stripe down the shoulder. But they are also grey, white, black and brown. They seem apathetic or affected by anything that is happening around them. They will stand in the middle of the highway staring into nothingness, a convoy of tractor trailers passing within feet of their noses. Incredibly they are smart enough to look both ways before crossing. I suppose the ones that don’t are killed.

I want one of these donkeys, and it is the subject of gently teasing around my unit. There is something I admire about these animals. Their ability to survive off of almost nothing. Their sturdiness. Their stoic tolerance of the world around them.

While approaching a base we are pursued by the usual band of bedraggled children running alongside our trucks, trying to sell us cheap stilettos, switchblades and cigarettes. Some of us throw food and candy; others throw rocks to keep them from getting run over. I am commanding the truck this day and as I look forward to the gate I see a small black donkey wander slowly away from the road. I open the armored glass port and motion at one the children. He immediately approaches, jogging along side our truck. He can’t be any older than my first grader back home.

I point at the donkey. He looks at it and turns back to me, searching my eyes. He motions and I understand the universal body language for ‘are you crazy?’ I point again and ask him how much. Five dollars. I agree and he runs off. We drive away slowly, the crew asking me what I am up to over the headsets.
I tell them. Within minutes it’s up and down the formation. We all watch him, straining through the cramped and hot body armor, trying to get a glimpse through the small armored ports, wondering if he’ll really do it. He has a stick and is steering the donkey back towards our vehicle. Another minute and he is slapping his hand against the thick armor glass, making no sound on the inside. We stop and the gunner calls the all clear. I lock and load my weapon, open the door, look both ways, five meters out, twenty five, then the horizon. I step out of the truck and unhook my communications. I am surrounded by children, their hands all over me, pulling at me, talking and chattering. As the father of three it’s the closest I’ve been to children in months. I search their hands looking for grenades.

I peer around again then walk up to the beast that is standing silently. I wonder if he even cares that I am there. I reach out, expecting to be quickly and punitively bitten. My hand touches his forehead. His coat is soft. He does nothing and I begin to stroke his face, his ears, then muzzle. I move my hand to his neck and pet him with long gentle strokes. He turns his head and looks at me. I wonder if he has ever been petted before. I have never seen the Iraqi’s pet their animals.

The boy is at my side, repeatedly asking me ‘you want, you want’, I look up at my gunner, and swing my leg over the donkeys back grabbing a fistful of his mane. He does nothing. Now I want a donkey even more, and I want this one. I want to take him home for some crazy reason. I think of what I would say to my wife. I look around again, wondering if a trigger man sees me. I get off . I grab the donkey by the chin and look into his face. For a moment our eyes meet. I let go and walk back to my truck. The children are still at my side, walking with me. The boy reaches for my hand and holds it. I turn, kneel down, then hand him five dollars. I tell him to have my donkey here for me in one year. I get into my truck, and leave in a cloud of dust. I look back at my donkey in the side mirror…

Meditation

Citizens Again

“Each of us in turn – that is, the member who gets the most out of the program – spends a very large amount of time on Twelfth Step work in the early years. That was my case, and perhaps I should not have stayed sober with less work.

“However, sooner or later most of us are presented with other obligations – to family, friends, and country. As you will remember, the Twelfth Step also refers to ‘practicing these principles in all our affairs.’ Therefore, I think your choice of whether to take a particular Twelfth Step job is to be found in your own conscience. No one else can tell you for certain what you ought to do at a particular time.

“I just know that you are expected, at some point, to do more than carry the message of AA to other alcoholics. In AA, we aim not only for sobriety – we try again to become citizens of the world that we rejected, and of the world that once rejected us. This is the ultimate demonstration toward which Twelfth Step work is the first but not the final step.”

~As Bill Sees It~

P 21

A Soldier from the unit we replaced commited suicide...

RIP

Blue Skies

Song For The Day

Blackened - Metallica

Anatomy of an Ambush

They made the turn onto the ASR following behind another convoy. I prefer to keep my distance from other convoys but almost everyone else follows close, even the private contractors many of who are former special operations forces.

As they rode along the convoy in front of them stopped. In order to find the reason for the halt they drove forward, only to find at least one if not more tires on their vehicle had gone flat. Like all Americans they were conditioned to pull over to the side of the road. They hadn’t seen the spikes strewn about the road surface, a common tactic, and it hadn’t occurred to them they were being ambushed.

As they slowed to a stop, somewhere a trigger man activated the garage door laser currently being used to activate IED’s, turned and walked away. The laser was the type that would normally span the doorway of a garage to insure there are no objects or children present, a safety feature of garage door openers. In this case the laser pointed across the road to a reflector. As the front tires of their vehicle crossed and blocked the laser a shaped charge was detonated. Traveling at ten to fifteen kilometers per second its explosively shaped rod penetrated the light armor and blasted into the interior. After passing through the truck commander and traumatically amputating both his legs and one arm, it deflected off the two radios separating him from the driver. It went on to hit the driver in the head fatally wounding him, then out the other side of the vehicle. The gunner, seated between and above them suffered shrapnel wounds to both legs.

Five tourniquets were placed on the truck commander who had fallen out of the vehicle. The doors were blown off. He was able to talk but died while the helicopter was in route to evacuate him. The driver suffered a similar fate and died within a few minutes. The gunner was evacuated to Kuwait and lived.

The next day another branch would loose at least one of their members to the same fate in the same place.

The IED was estimated to cost about four thousand dollars…

The Soldier's Creed:

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and
live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

Meditation

Light from Prayer

“God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

*** ***

We treasure our “Serenity Prayer” because it brings a new light to us that can dissipate our oldtime and nearly fatal habit of fooling ourselves.

In the radiance of this prayer we see that defeat, rightly accepted, need be no disaster. We now know that we do not have to run away, nor ought we again trytot overcome adversity by still another bulldozing power drive that can only push up obstacles before us faster than they can be taken down.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 20

We have just left BIAP or Baghdad international Airport which is an amazing place in its own right.

It is dirty, dusty and is dominated by the huge military presence here. People from all over the globe work or are stationed here. It bustles with activity.

Overhead aircraft can be seen spiraling down in their steep descent rather than the typical approach they would use anywhere else. Mortars impact throughout the day and small arms fire is heard. People go about their day almost without noticing.

We somehow convinced somebody to escort us into the large palace. I sat in a large throne befitting of a king which Im sure Saddam imagined himself as. Some went out of their way to urinate in one of the large bathrooms in Saddams honor. The palace is beautiful and very large. At the same time one feels as though they are at the mall or at a set in Disney Land. It is a strange ambiance and is awsome, incredible, comical, and sometimes cheap. Walking through it one can feel the fear that must have hung thick here, death brought at the drop of a hat for whatever transgression.

From there we walked to a building referred to as the "hotel" on the outer shore of the man made lake that surrounds the palace. We were shown the room where Saddam held press conferences and was interviewed by Dan Rather. Somebody remarked this is where the President met with Saddam. There is a formality about it that demands a certain amount of respect not even Saddam had been able to diminish. I walk by snapping pictures with just a little awe. It is a significant place already having historical importance.

Later that night we leave, out into the darkness and on towards our mission.

Song For The Day

Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears

Standing

We slowly approached the intersection from the main supply route or MSR to the alternative supply route or ASR. It is no more than a single lane road going away from a highway, strewn with debris and large concrete objects that make excellent fighting positions for anyone who wants to ambush us. We approach in complete darkness, the main body of the convoy several hundred yards behind us with their lights off. Tonight we are the scout vehicle and stay far out front on point. We scan the intersection with night vision goggles, and then turn on our lights bathing it in bright light and shadow. I am faced with a decision, one that each and every gunner has to make for his or herself. Each does it differently.


One of the skills they teach as basic soldiering is the three second rush. The idea is that it takes about three to four seconds for your enemy to see, aim, and then shoot you. In Infantry school while practicing this rush they made us shout out loud “Im up, he sees me, Im down!” This takes about three seconds. In training your punishment for taking longer is as evil as the imagination of the one conducting the training. In war it could mean death.

Gunning in a turret presents a problem. We have armor plates around the back and both sides. There is a separate armor plate to the front that your machine gun sticks out of. These are to protect you from the blast and shrapnel of an IED, mortars, and artillery, or small arms fire otherwise known as SAF.

The problem is if you sit down and stay behind the plates you are protected but cannot see if an enemy is rushing your vehicle to throw a grenade at you, or standing up to take a shot at you with a rocket propelled grenade. In the darkness trigger men for IED’s can sometimes be seen with the goggles. If this occurs you need to be in a position to turn and shoot him immediately. If you are able to spot an IED you need to stop and back away, or rush through as fast as possible depending on the situation. Hopefully the driver and truck commander below are scanning to help you. The main gun is powerful but takes too long to bring to bear on a close in target if you are not already facing that way. On the other hand, one can turn almost instantly with the small M4 carbine and shoot. This is my preferred method

The stark reality is there are times where you have to expose yourself to enemy fire.

I stand up and immediately feel naked and exposed. My throat is dry and I can hear my pulse in my ears. I try to relax my grip on my weapon. I continue to scan with the night vision goggles as I do not like to use the million candle spot light. It focuses you too much on one spot. I duck up and down a bit as we drive through the intersection. We go underneath a bridge which I have already scanned from top to bottom. Something moves behind the large concrete obstacle to my left. My M4 moves to my shoulder instantly, having done it hundreds of times, sighting on the dark moving shadow. It’s a dog. I drop my muzzle a little as we continue on. We drive through and report we haven’t seen anything yet. That doesn’t mean nobody’s there. A disciplined trigger man will wait for the main body of the convoy to come through before detonating his charge, unless he picks a specific vehicle. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes it’s the front, sometimes it’s the back, other times it’s somewhere in the middle. Sometimes military, other times a civilian truck we are escorting.

The convoy passes through unscathed. Either nobody is here tonight or he is saving his shot for a target more to his liking.

Meditation

The Wine Of Success

Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self – control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. Blinded by the prideful self – confidence, we were apt to play the big shot.

Now that we’re in AA and sober, winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against the dangers of big – shot – ism, we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 19

Popular Magazines

Stuff
Maxim
FHM

Twenty – Four Hours a Day

A.A. Thought for the Day

If we allow an alcoholic thought to lodge in our minds for any length of time, we are in danger of having a slip. Therefore we must dispel such thoughts at once, by refusing their admittance and by immediately putting constructive thoughts in their place. Remember that alcohol is poison to you. Remember that it is impossible for you to drink normally. Remember that one drink will lead to others and you will eventually be drunk. Remember what happened to you in the past as a result of your drinking. Think of every reason you have learned in A.A. for not taking that drink. Fill your mind with constructive thoughts. Am I keeping my thoughts constructive?

Meditation for the Day

Always seek to set aside the valuations of the world, which seem wrong and try to judge only by those valuations, which seem right to you. Do not seek the praise and notice of the world. Be one of those who, though sometimes scoffed at, have a serenity and peace of mind, which the scoffers never know. Be one of that bands that feel the Divine Principle in the universe, though He be often rejected because He cannot be seen.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may not heed too much the judgment of the world. I pray that I may test things by what seems right to me.

Meditation

Companion and Partner

“Dr Bob was my constant companion and partner in the great AA adventure. As the physician and great human being he was, he chose work with others as his prime AA vocation and achieved a record which, in quantity, and in quality, none will ever surpass. Assisted by the incomparable Sister Ignatia at St Thomas Hospital in Akron, he – without charge – medically treated and spiritually infused five thousand sufferers.

“In all the stress and strain of AAs pioneering time, no hard word ever passed between us. For this, I can thankfully say the credit was all his.”

*** ***

I took my leave of Dr Bib, knowing that he was to undergo a serious operation. The old, broad smile was on his face as he said almost jokingly, “Remember, Bill, lets not louse this thing up. Lets keep it simple!” I turned away unable to day a word. That was the last time I ever saw him.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 18

Song for the Day

Bad Company - Bad Company

War: Key Words

Boredom, fear, frustration, anger, lonely, hot, cold, dirty, tired, funny, hilarious, absurd, crazy, compassion, love, mercy, patience, kill, murder, despair, pain, misery, sad, heartbreak, suffer, joy, gratitude, charity, kindness, pride, guilt, courage, protect, risk, live, die…

Meditation

Toward Honesty

The perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one permeates human affairs from top to bottom. The subtle and elusive kind of self righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought. Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character – building and good living.

*** ***

The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves.

*** ***

Somehow, being alone with God doesn’t seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and God.

~As Bill Sees It~

P 17

Explosive ordinance Disposal

"Eod is kind of like brain surgery, only if you make a mistake your patient detonates" - Unknown

A Typical Day Off

Up at 0500 for physical training including a two mile run. Breakfast. Preventive maintenance checks and services on the truck. To commo for updates to our computer, wash rack to clean truck, then to maintenance for service.

After that, to TOC(tactical operations center) for new MTS nine line medivacs sheets that have to be posted in each truck, more snap on armor for individual body armor, and body bags.

Review Company notes.

This is before lunch. After will be bi-annual common tasks testing and review, then hopefully some Christmas shopping that I already know will arrive late. Goal is to box it up and get it shipped before todays business day closes.

Then prep for tomorrows mission which could prove to be interesting...

Song for the Day

Doll Parts - Hole

Meditation

Never Again!

“Most people feel more secure on the twenty four hour basis than they do in the resolution that they will never drink again. Most of them have broken too many resolutions. Its really a matter of personal choice; every AA has the privilege of interpreting the program as he likes.

“Personally, I take the attitude that I intend never to drink again. This is somewhat different from saying ‘I will never drink again.’ The latter attitude sometimes gets people in trouble because it is undertaking on a personal basis to do what we alcoholics never could do. It is too much an act of will and leaves too little room for the idea that God will release us from the drink obsession provided we follow the AA program.”

~As Bill Sees It~

P 16

IED

We had just gotten home from our mission and had been gone only four days this time. After securing the truck we went to our tent to clean our weapons. Usualy we would fuel before parking but we had been diverted. An IED had been reported on base at one of our fuel points. Thats not a comfortable feeling and the very idea suggested intrigue and betrayal.

The guys posted to secure the area for EOD (explosive ordanance disposal) said a bag had been spotted and looked suspect. We almost dismissed it. Every rock, chunk of concrete, or piece of trash is suspect. Slightly annoyed we drove off.

In our tent we watched the karate kid three and four, the one with the girl. Mr Morita had just passed away. After being here a few months youve seen just about every movie known to man, more than once. Black metal gun parts lay orderly on rags, the smell of militech in the air. Somewhere Johnny Cash's greatest hits played.

A loud Boom shook the tent. We stopped, looked at each other then went back to our cleaning. Apparently it was an IED after all. Either EOD had detonated it with one of their fancy shaped charges or they had detonated themselves.

The next day went as usual as did our mission. There wasnt any intel from our chain of command regarding an IED. But as I walked around I looked at the foriegn contractors who work at our base, wondering which ones...

Which ones did it?

Song For The Day

Mouth for War - Pantera

Meditation

Eternal Values

Many people will have no truck at all with absolute spiritual values. Perfectionists, they say, are either full of conceit because they fancy they have reached some impossible goal, or else they are swamped in self – condemnation because they have not done so.

Yet I think that we should not hold this view. It is not the fault of great ideals that they are sometimes misused and so become shallow excuses for guilt, rebellion, and pride. On the contrary, we cannot grow very much unless we constantly try to envision what the eternal values are.

*** ***

“Day by day, we try to move a little towards God’s perfection. So we need not be consumed by maudlin guilt for failure to achieve His likeness and image by Thursday next. Progress is our aim, and His perfection our beacon, light – years away, that draws us on.”

~As Bill Sees It~

P 15